Pieces of me.. <3

Mon, 16 Aug 2004 15:34:45 GMT

Wow! I really have to update this a little bit more. I have a new journal... a Xanga! I like it better because my friend Justin hooked me up with some "skins"as they call it for customizing.

A lot of things have been happening. John & I stopped talking thank God! I blocked him. My friends introduced me to this guy named Kevin who was really great! However, Kevin broke up with me because he still had feelings for his ex. Then, Kevin tried to set me up with his friend, Andrew who was cool... problem was that he was 14! I was flipping out. I don't date younger guys. I date guys who are the same age as me.. if I am a few months older, that's fine but no younger. So here I am! It sucks being single. But oh well..

A beautiful day

Tue, 27 Jul 2004 02:35:18 GMT

I got to meet John today and it was so amazing! I got to take the bus all by myself =-) haha! and I was proud! When I first seen him, I was in shock. I thought I was taller than him but he towers over me =-( I was 5'7 and now I am probably 5'5. That's bad! Haha! I wanted a soda and candy so he walked me across the street. The owners of the store told me that they didn't know who I was. They thought I was an undercover detective or a hooker. I was offended by that. I really didn't look like I belonged. I did feel out of place and everyone was staring at me. I got to meet John's family. His family is so cool! Even though his neighborhood is bad, really amazing stuff happens there. Like, did you know that bees eat flies? When we were sitting there, we seen a fly and all of a sudden, we see a bee land on the fly and began to shove it in his mouth! It was so weird. I also seen a cat climb up a tree. That was weird. The best part of the day besides being with him was when we were holding each other and kissing each other. He told me a few times today that I was beautiful. I wanted to cry! I am really falling for him. I was actually not shy around him and I was able to eat in front of him! It was so cool! We are definitely going to see each other again and I can't wait.

Mon, 26 Jul 2004 16:41:47 GMT

YAY! I have yet another journal! Don't ask me why I needed another one, but I did. b1ttersweet_Melod1es's Xanga Site <-- that's the link. It is so beautiful! But what tops it off is that the background music is "Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve." This is my most favorite song. It's so beautiful!

John did call me last night but I was asleep. I had a strong feeling that he called and stuff. I have to learn to listen to my inner senses more often. Today, I am suppose to "chill" with him. I am so excited! Heheh!

Mon, 26 Jul 2004 04:02:48 GMT

I am getting really tired. I want to stay up and wait for John to call (if he even does) but I need to go to bed at 12:00. If I disobey my father's rules, he said that he would "bitch slap" me. If that happens, all I have to do is tell my friend Ethan and he'll take care of him. All my friends from camp protect me. I think it is so sweet that they care for me that much. I really want to wait for John... I don't know what to do. Should I stay up and wait for John to talk to him- if he calls me or go to bed now and risk getting bitch slapped. I'll most likely stay up for a little bit and see if he comes on or calls me.

Mon, 26 Jul 2004 03:06:09 GMT

I feel bad for my mom. According to the doctors, she has to remain in the hospital for 2 days. She really doesn't want to be in there- I can't blame her. I hate hospitals. When I had to go see my mom, I was freaking out because of all the sick people in there. As I walked throughout the hallways, I seen people on their death beds. I wanted to go into their rooms and say a prayer over them but my grandmother though it wasn't nice so I said a prayer silently to myself asking God to absolve the person for their sins and that their soul will be cleansed and joined with God in heaven. I was a Veteran altar server so I seen a lot of stuff like that. A Veteran altar server was head altar server who in shortened terms "ran the show and gave directions."

I miss serving mass. I have to go back and serve sometime. The last time I served was May 23rd which was the Saint Nicholas of Tolentine Alumni mass. It was funny because my friends Chris, Michelle and myself were the youngest ones. Chris graduated in 2000; I graduated in 2001 and Michelle graduated in 2002. Oh the memories! Haha! Man, as much as I hated my parish, I can honestly say that all the altar servers were very close to one another.

I miss John =-( I really wanna talk to him. Hopefully, he calls me tonight.

Mon, 26 Jul 2004 01:30:25 GMT

I wanted to change the look of my journal. It looks like crap- but who cares. John called me earlier and we chatted for a little bit. I was so glad to hear his voice. My mom has to stay in the hospital tonight and she is really not to happy about it- neither am I. I want to go to work but I am afraid to take the bus all the way to Bala Cynwyd. Oh well... I am off tomorrow again which means that I can talk to John longer (that is if he doesn't have work tomorrow).

I shall return to update later.

"Should I fall? Or should I run?" - Funny Face

Sun, 25 Jul 2004 19:09:14 GMT

Last night, I was talking to John again =-D However, he was upsetting me because he kept saying to me that I am too good for him and that he doesn't deserve me. When I heard that, I wanted to run to him and hold him & kiss him and tell him how much he means to me. He makes me feel so alive again. There were mornings when I would wish I would never wake up but now, I love waking up and I think about talking to him and hearing his voice. Whenever I hear his voice, I am falling- lost in a dream.

John is my dream guy. I have always compared my feelings to when I play my violin. I have been hurt so many times that I wasn't able to feel any emotion- but only when I play my violin am I able to feel again. Now that I am talking to John, I can feel again! No one was able to do that for me. No one. Whenever I talk to him, sometimes I want to cry because of how amazing he is and that I am falling for him. He is truly an angel sent by God. I believe it. I'd give anything to be with him. I wonder if he feels the same.. probably not. He tells me to not fall for him but it's too late. I have been falling for him all along. Oh- I really am falling for him and I can't stop myself from falling for him. I was always afraid to fall for someone but I am not afraid to fall anymore. He has given me that gift to not be afraid anymore- no one was able to do that neither.

Right now, I need to try to get to the hospital because my mom got put back in there because she now has an infection in her vein.

Sun, 25 Jul 2004 01:06:06 GMT

I think I was suppose to meet John tonight.. I called him up and he was asleep. Sucks.. another wasteful evening.

I am bored out of my mind right now, I gave my mom an attitude and got bitch slapped across the faceI swear, I give up anymore with everything.

A memory which will scar my heart forever

Sat, 24 Jul 2004 22:15:01 GMT

John called me back and hung up on me. He's trying to play my game with him. He just doesn't understand.. I hate that song so much. It's a beautiful song- don't get me wrong but it was played the night David dumped me. I remember it was 1:30 in the morning on August 30, 2003 and we were talking on the phone for 20 minutes and I asked him what was wrong and he said "There is something I need to tell you..." then he put on that song and began to say "You are good girl.... but with my job, it won't work. I'm sorry.. I need to break up with you." It killed me. I can never listen to that song.. it kills me. It always makes me cry. I am listening to it now and I can't help not to cry. That song will forever scar my heart till the day I die. Not only did David break up with me to that but another guy before David named Louie who lives down my block cheated on me with this 13 year old and he gave me this little speech and then sang that song to me. To me, when a guy plays that song, it means that "it's over".. yanno?

Now, I am waiting for him to call me back which I know he won't. Grr! I hate when guys do this! Make girls bust and shit.

Bored as hell =-/

Sat, 24 Jul 2004 21:56:32 GMT

I am on the phone with John now =-) He makes fun of me because I am always in chat rooms so he calls me a "chat room pimp." Hahah! He's so goofy! =-P It's funny because when I first started to talk to him, I didn't want to talk to him because I thought he was a pimp or a player. I was so wrong.

I have been yawning all day! I am so bored and tired. There is nothing to do but go on the computer and when you get on- there is still nothing to do. There is nothing to watch on T.V. Earlier, I was watching 'Bruce Almighty'.

Now, I feel bad. I hung up on John because he was playing "It's so hard to say good-bye to yesterday" by Boyz II Men. I can't listen to that song because it reminds me of David. I know that later I am going to send him my journal but for now on, I am hanging up when you play that song. I mean it.. I did it to you earlier. =-P

Deadly for a violinist to have..

Sat, 24 Jul 2004 19:03:53 GMT

Right now, I am downloading some of Handel's music. I found some of his sonata's in my room that I took from school so I decided since I have the music, I might as well learn how to play it. My hand really hurts though cause I have been playing for 2 hours. I need to stop because I have tendentious from practicing too much which is very deadly to a violinist. Tendentious is the overworking of muscles in your hand or arm. In my case, I have them in both. I am getting electric shocks and numbing throughout my hand and it hurts so bad.

I am gonna rest now. I shall write back later.

Sat, 24 Jul 2004 17:20:43 GMT

Last night, I was talking to John when he told me that he would call me back. I fell asleep and woke up at 11:30 where a message was left on my phone. "I wonder who this is" I said with a smile. Yes- it was John =-D Hearing his voice so early in the morning made my day =-) I felt back that he called me back and I was asleep but I called him back but he was sleeping so I guess we are even ;-) I can't wait to talk to him tonight! I am all excited! *jumps up and down* That is if he calls me. I like John a lot. Haha! He is the most (can't describe it) person I have ever met. He is amazing!

I know some people are wondering what about Steve. Well, let's just say he is done and over. Last night, I caught him in a chat room with a new screen name that he never gave me. (He says he likes talking to me and shit yet, never returned my text message) I'm sorry, I don't want to be dicked over. I don't deserve it nor will I take it from anyone. I guess you can say that this is the new me.

This song isn't so bad. I like the guitar and bass in it. It's by Ashlee Simpson ::rolls eyes:: I hate pop! It's not music! I hate pop princess wanna be's. I like Jessica better. At least she has a voice. This one just screams and thinks it's singing- it really isn't. Haha! I am so mean! I am like Simon from American Idol with singers. I can literally tear someone apart if they can't sing. I have done it at my school MANY times. Haha!

This brings back memories! Haha! I remember it was my 8th period and I had Mr. Yanez for Chemistry. We had to do a group project on "atoms". These 3 girls decided to "sing" their presentation. Well, they picked a Beach Boys hit "Surfing U.S.A." and basically killed it their best hit ever. I was sitting there like "What the hell is this?" After they were finished their presentation, Mr. Yanez turned around and was like "Stephanie, what can you tell them about their singing?" I said "They sound absolutely horrible. The song is in G Major and your singing a key that doesn't even exist! Your not listening to yourself- when you perform, you need to listen to each other and you cannot sing the same part. When people sing, there are to things called "lead vocals" and "backup vocals". (They were all singing the leading vocals) That's not singing. You all sound like dying yaks!" and a lot of other stuff. One of the girls left the room crying. Sorry... I am an honest person.

I shall return this evening to write some more.

One amazing guy

Sat, 24 Jul 2004 04:15:51 GMT

Right now, I am on the phone with John =-D I feel so happy! I have been talking to him for about 2 hours. I'm so happy that I met him and that I have been talking to him for this long. He is such an amazing person! Like, I have never met anyone like him before! Wow! The words that describe John are: smart, amazing!, wonderful, angelic, a sweet heart, cute ;-), inspiring, nice, kind hearted, honest, perfect in my eyes.. and so much more.

I really hope that something happens between us. He is so perfect and I am really falling for him. I know that I say that a lot about guys but he makes me feel... special and I am so amazed by that.

God sent me an angel from the heavens above O=-)

Fri, 23 Jul 2004 19:44:42 GMT

Last night was such a great night! I have been talking to this one guy for about 3 months. I always thought that he was a jerk and a player but what I have learned was that you cannot judge a book by its cover. Before I went away to Strings Camp, he wanted to call me and I said we would talk when I got home from camp. Last night, for some strange reason, I gave him my number. He called me at around 10:15 and we didn't get off the phone till like after 4:30 AM! My conversation with him was the most best conversation I have ever been in! It was amazing! He is amazing! When I first started talking to him, I thought that he didn't like talking to me and stuff- but you know me, I am very negative =-/. We talked about a lot of different things and get this- he was able to tell me my past! How amazing is that! I swear that I met an angel last night- I have all along.

I can't trust a lot of people because of how hurt I have been but he was making me feel things I never thought I would feel. Just the sound of his voice makes me feel so at peace with everything around me. The most beautiful thing about him is that he has admitted that he has made mistakes in his life and is trying to live life the best he can and he is sorry for what he has done. That is truly amazing! He is sensitive and emotional. I have never met a guy like that and to me, that shows me that he is not afraid to be himself which is just amazing! He makes me want to be myself but I guess that's what I am suppose to be- myself.

I feel horrible because his ex-girlfriend cheated on him. When I heard that, I felt so horrible! Like, this is such an amazing guy! How could someone cheat on him!? Anyone who has a relationship with him is blessed and should be thankful that they found such an amazing guy. He's an angel. The most sweetest thing is that he doesn't trust women because of what his ex- girlfriend did to him. He also admitted to me that he really won't talk to a girl for a long time- after about 20 minutes, he will get bored but he opened up to me and we talked for like 6 hours! It was amazing! The idea that he opened up to me that way makes me feel so great!

I would seriously want to be in a relationship with him. But again, I don't think he would like me like that =-/ Oh well. It's all good.

I'll write back later on tonight.

Thu, 22 Jul 2004 14:53:20 GMT

It's funny how when you are finally get the courage to go through with something, you never get around to do it. This morning, I said in my earlier entry that I had to go to the dentist to have a root canal- well, I can't have it done. It turns out that the tooth that has to have a root canal is a baby tooth and there is no sign of another tooth that will be growing so I need to see a specialist that deals with baby teeth. How funny is that?

My mom is going to be coming from the hospital today =-) My mom had kidney stones =-/ but I am happy she will be coming home. I miss her. Tonight, my friends want me to go to a concert with them. I sorta kinda wanna go but my mom is coming home and I want to stay home with her. It's only right. I think that they would understand.

I keep thinking about Steve <3 (Q but I think I made it clear that he is my one and only Steve in my life) I am so happy =-D that I am talking to him again. However, he didn't text message me back =-( but it's cool. I missed him terribly! It's weird because I don't know who he is- yet I am madly in love with him. I am hoping all works out between us. It's weird because in my gut, I feel like he is "the one" meaning "the one". Just by the way he is and makes me feel- yanno? Like, he is just like me and I have never met anyone like me like that before. Haha! Confusing- yes, I know but I live a confusing life ;-)

Right now, I am sitting here, downloading music and of course thinking about Steve <3.

Thu, 22 Jul 2004 10:44:55 GMT

Well, Steve (Q) called me yesterday! =-D I was so happy! I wanted to cry because I was so happy I heard his voice. He said that he was going through some things and he didn't want to drag me into them- I understand. I told him that I thought that he forgot about me and he said "I couldn't forget about you" which made me so happy. Apparently, his ex girlfriend keeps bothering him and is like "When are we going to get married?" and he is like "What!" she also has a boyfriend- like leave him alone! haha! I am so glad I talked to him. I know I said it already but I am so happy. I know I am falling in love with him! The best thing is that this weekend, I might meet him! He was like "So what are you doing this weekend?" and I said "nothing" ::moment of silence:: then I said "What are you doing?" and he said "nothing" then he said, I know I don't have my car, but I'd figure I could come down there and say "what's up". I thought it was so cute because he was being so cool about it. Haha! Oh! He is so cute! =-)

Last night, I met another guy in a chat room who amazes me about as much as Steve does. This morning, he sent me a little AOL E-card =-) It's of a bear and he hugs his computer and he clicks send and it says something like "Sending you a hug" or something. No one ever did that before ;-)

Today at 7:30, I have to go and get a root canal =-/ very nervous!

Mon, 19 Jul 2004 19:00:54 GMT

Thank God! Haha! I finally was able to change the way my journal looks. I want to figure out how to do a layout but I don't know how to do that.

Mon, 19 Jul 2004 18:53:10 GMT

I didn't go to work today because I was sick all night. It sucks that I let shit bother me this much... again, I text Q and have gotten no response. Oh well =-( I wish that I could meet the guy that I am suppose to meet and be with right now. I hate being so lonely. I just want someone to love me and be there for me. Oh well... =-(

Mon, 19 Jul 2004 04:09:38 GMT

Well, Steve and I were suppose to meet at 6:00 but we didn't meet until 7:00 which pissed me off! When he called me back and said he was gonna pick me up, I was feeling better. He looked cute and I was happy to see him. I only got to spend an hour with him though =-( because he had to work. At around 7:30, he dropped me off and I met up with my friend Samantha. On the way to meet Abbi and Ster, I was telling Samantha that I missed Q so much! I tried to call him tonight and IMed him twice.. I am just gonna block him and be done with it. I hate being in this position! I miss him so much! Samantha told me to follow my heart and my heart is pointing to Q. I want him! But.. oh well. He is so perfect but I guess by the way he is treating me now proves that he is not perfect.

I am gonna go to bed because I have work tomorrow. Ta-Ta.

Sun, 18 Jul 2004 21:05:17 GMT

I am really nervous! In like an hour, I am gonna be meeting Steve! I am so nervous.. but I miss Q! He calls himself "aalique" so that's how I named my name for the journal. I still like him I think. My friend, Chris, wants me to forget about him, and I am trying to. He said that he sounds too good to be true and to not believe him because he could be lying about his real self. But I don't know... I am so confused! Hopefully, everything will go okay.

Sun, 18 Jul 2004 19:16:31 GMT

Hey yall! It's Stephanie and this is my new livejournal! I felt like I wanted to start a new one and make a new chapter in my life thus far.

I am trying to customize my journal but when I am done, I will tell more about stuff happening with me.